WANT TO HURT YOU

Written by: Stained in Negativity

Summary: Sora and Matt let their relationship out in the open, but Matt didn’t want to hurt his best friend intentionally…did he? (Sorato, Taiora. Matt/Tai friendship)

Nervously, I wrap my arms around her slim waist, and lean in closer. With a free hand, I reach up to nuzzle her neck, slowly pick up her chin so that I'm able to gaze into her lovely eyes. I didn't care that we were in public, on school grounds where the rules were strict about touching one another. A few students have already stopped to stare, whispering comments. One of them remarked on how this would effect my bad boy reputation, but I didn't care. A girl saw me cuddling someone else, and burst into tears immediately. Just a typical fan girl. They all are. Except for the one that's within my embrace. She's so much more...

And she let herself be cradled by me. How I dreamed of doing this moment... days spent thinking and nights spent dreaming have finally paid off. The sacrifice I had made was worth it. After betraying my crest, I knew there was no going back. So if I had failed to let her know how I ached to be able to hold her like I was now... I'm so glad I summoned up the courage to say... Even though I was afraid of rejection...

I didn't need to worry. She felt the same way towards me.

Relief.

Now, there's practically a crowd around us. All of them talking, gawking at us as if we were some sort of television soap opera. Most of them are conversing about the precious one that was rested her head on my chest. The one that had gazed at me so sweetly. The one who just pressed her angelic lips against mine so tenderly. So delicious... I'm becoming accustomed to being with her. I'm becoming used to seeing her pretty smile each and everyday... becoming accustomed to hearing her voice. I'm becoming accustomed to being able to kiss her as tenderly as she does me.

She's becoming accustomed to me.

The whispers around us seem to be getting louder. A few more girls bawl their eyes out. Shallow as it is, I don't really care. I'm just glad that my prized one isn't the one bawling her eyes out. If ever I become the cause of her grief, I wouldn't know what to do. Knowing that I hurt her was just too much to tolerate. And I'm not here to break her heart, just to relieve it from past aches and wounds.

I. Will. Never. Hurt. You. Sora.

Sora's bronzed eyes stare into mine affectionately. I don't know what it is about her, but she makes me feel. Years of isolation and not being wanted have turned me into this cold, unfeeling person. Not even half of that. I hid my emotions, put them in a box, kept it shut with chains and locks but never had the strength to throw it away. Now and then, pieces of me had leaked through. Humiliation was the result. Shame was the conclusion.

When I'm around her... something just happens to me. The dark billows that have seemed to follow me disappear. My spirits gain their energy. A grin escapes its prison and washes out the frowns and pouts upon my face. My head feels less teeming with secluded thoughts.

She just makes me feel so good.

I can still remember how I looked at her one day, and thought about of how kind she was, instead of thinking of her as a mother or elder sister. The need to run my fingers through her vibrant red hair made itself present.

How could I not notice her beauty before?

I dreamed of her admiring stare focused on me. The one where her eyes would brighten up and she would beam radiantly. But there was someone in the way. Her admiration was somewhere else. No matter what I said or accomplished, she would treat me like she did my younger brother: a friend.

Dark clouds formed above me head. They rained down their secluded thoughts onto my mind and made themselves known. Of course she wouldn't feel anything for me. I'm just a jerk, I'll never grow out of this undersized skin. Thinking this way made me worse.

But, this is was I strived for. Being able to feel something other than emptiness. This...this pain made me want her more. If she brought out all of the negative things about me, imagine how it could go in the opposite way. Sometimes she would enrage me for not understanding, yet she made me smile instead of grimace.

Ironically, my friend Tai was on the receiving end of Sora's affections. I noticed how they would look at each other. I saw how comfortable she was when he was around. He would always know what to do, and she would either go with it, or try to talk him out of it. Usually she won.

From afar, I watched as they grew even closer together. And as they did, I become even more distant. I found out that they had known each other since childhood, and that definitely gave Tai the advantage.

It wasn't fair.

A short, but lurking explosion of ache was released and began to attack every cell I had whenever I saw them together. But, at the same time, I was ecstatic to see Sora so happy. If only there was a way I could trade places with Tai. If only I could be the one to make her feel like a queen.

Days moved slowly. The sun just didn't want to set when I was feeling depressed. It wanted to shine its rays of shine upon me when I was alone. It wanted to make me realize how unwanted I was. Even with these thick, dark clouds looming above my head, the sun was so bright. All I wanted was to be alone in this bottomless pit that was I. But it had other plans. I heard its shrill echoes of laughter when it was silent.

The sun mocked me.

It took pleasure in my suffering.

And so did I.

The fury that came with the heartache was also relieving. It gave me the strength to proceed with my shadowed thoughts. Fury was my element, and indignation was its fuel on which it ran. But it grew. Its role become so much more significant. Developed into something much more conspicuous... learned how to control my every thought and became my nervous system.

I began to fight it. I began to battle this new demon that I was becoming. Both harming and healing myself at once. The new injuries and levels of self hate grew. So consoling. Hurting myself was the prize, the grand prize. Then the process of healing gave me something to hold on to.

Unloved.

Unwanted.

These feelings still lurked.

The self abuse... I wasn't doing anything to help myself. I wasn't the one I should've been battling. It was the one who had Sora. My enemy was the one that stood in the way. The enemy was the one who had possession of her affection.

The enemy was Tai.

But first I had to defeat myself to better myself.

Seconds, minutes and hours breezed by. Days passed. Weeks turned into months. And still the healing continued. The agony wasn't as bad as before, but at least I felt something. The vacant atmosphere seemed to vanish. No more did I have to tolerate the isolation of my own home. I had made other friends.

Spring emerged. Flowers bloomed along the sidewalks. All of them reminded me of Sora. After all, her mother did have her own flower shop, and I had seen Sora lending a hand around the store. I can still visualize her carrying the flowers around the room, carefully watering them.

I still smile when I think of it.

High school began. I found myself wandering the halls of the building alone. Greeting people once in a while, but never actually talking to them. Head down, I had entered my home room. Somehow I found an unoccupied seat and managed to sink into it. Guess who I sat next to? The wielder of my emotions, that's who.

My heart ceased when I found out Tai was also attending our school.

Around the middle of the school year, when I had sunk back into that isolated planet that I called my life, I over heard someone talking. Wasn't sure who it was, and I didn't care... it was what I heard that made me bleed.

Tai and Sora were now dating.

Somehow knowing this wasn't enough to kill me.

To my dismay, I still breathed.

How is it that I had enough strength to bear this information? Somehow I had grown out of that undersized skin. Maybe I just shed it. Either way, I wasn't all that bad. I felt refreshed. Maybe I had a new skin, but it was just oversized. But, no worries. I could mature into it.

Earlier, I had trained myself to play music when I was feeling like hell. It was a good way to express my feelings. Like my skin, I had outgrown my harmonica. I was in need of something louder. Something that even the people across the street could feel. I picked up a guitar and became part of it.

Words formed to support the melodies. Some meaningful, some just complaining about things in life that I had no control of. Some of wisdom, some of living it up. Although I might've not had her at the time, I still had my inspiration in my mind all the time.

I thought about Sora and melodies just began to pour out.

I thought of Sora and I simply began to sing.

How I hated to hear my voice before. But it was different now. All of my life I had been quiet. Now it was my first time listening to myself. This was the first time I heard my own voice. And it wasn't weak and feeble like I had thought it was.

From afar, I watched Tai and Sora. They held each other so close. Smiled and expressed their feelings by hugging or holding hands. The hate that I had known earlier, the one that was reserved for myself, was now being focused on Tai. I hated him. Hated him for being the one that Sora admired. Hated him for being better than me. Couldn't stand it when he treated my prized one better than I thought he would. But, of course he had won. He was talented, a natural leader, dark but shinning with life.

The exact opposite of me.

I remained the same person I was before. Simply alone in my own home while my so called father worked his life away. Sure, he provided me with a roof above my head, but when did he actually get the time to enjoy everything he had worked for? It's his fault our family was shattered-

Never mind. This isn't about him.

To resume with my self-training, I made new friends. Or I tried to. I supposed I succeeded, because I had someone to talk to. Mostly about music, though. The one thing we had in common: the love of music. Sooner than I thought, we had a band going. My time was being occupied with nightly outings to play for crowds of people.

Performing grew on me. After being anesthetized, I realized that making others feel something made me feel. It was what I yearned for. And it was so easy. The ballads were just formed by my fingers; the words were created in my head.

But a day hadn't gone by that I didn't think of the girl I couldn't have. In the halls, I saw her walking. Passing periods were a joy for me, the only reason I attended school. As the days dragged on by, I noticed that the smile upon her face was melting away. Bit by bit, the endless hours were finally taking a toll. And now it was obvious.

Naturally, I began to worry. What was the cause of Sora's frown? I knew that she has had trouble with her mother, but I heard that they were getting along better than ever. It couldn't be that. A loss, perhaps? No. I would have heard by now. Pressure? Maybe... but there isn't anything that Sora can't do. I'm sure of it.

I was down to the question again: what caused Sora's unhappiness?

A relationship, maybe?

Hey, what's wrong?

The words threatened to escape my lips. I wasn't ready yet. First I had to practice. I had to know what I was going to say instead, so that I wouldn't seem like a complete idiot in front of her. Humiliation was something I didn't want to go through again.

I had written everything down on a piece of paper. Yes, I was that anxious. But I had finally memorized it. Even practiced in front of the mirror. And, I was only going to ask a simple question.

You've been kind of down lately... everything okay?

It wasn't even close to what I wanted to ask.

Will you be mine?

Passing period. I saw her gracefully walking down hallway, skirt following her every movement. Hair blowing away from her face from the pace she was sauntering. There was one thing missing. No, make it two. The sparkle in her eyes was replaced with emptiness. The lovely grin she was capable of giving left without a trace.

Knowing it was now or never, I left my normal route to class and began to cross the hallway, in her direction. But something held me back. Someone's hand gripped onto my arm tightly. No, not just one of them, but a whole horde.

Fan girls.

They jerked me around, asking about my status and how I styled my hair. They admired my soft, blue eyes. Remarked on how my voice echoed in their minds. So many hands trying to grab on to mine...One of them dared to ask if I wore boxers or briefs.

Sora didn't even glance my way. She kept her eyes focused on the path ahead of her. Helplessly, I watched her disappear around the corner. Now she was gone. I had missed my chance. How was I ever going to summon the courage to ask now?

Courage. Not my building block.

Courage was the one who had faith. It was he who was able to accomplish anything he wanted because of a high self esteem and a normal family. I bet he never had to put up with clouds. I know he's never alone. Most of all, Courage was the one who had Sora.

Tai Kamiya.

We continued to be friends. I found it hard to restrain myself from throwing my fists around in a blind fury. He often told me about his date with Sora. I listened, envying him with every ounce of energy I had. Then I would just zone him out. Forget anyone else existed. At times, Sora would slip from my mind and I would actually get along with the soccer captain.

Then I would feel guilty.

Like I had sinned for letting her drop from my heart, even for a second.

Mentally, I made myself a promise. I told myself that I would discover the source of Sora's despondency. And, I did find out. But just not the way I wanted to. Knowledge had been unfortunate enough to leave his laptop computer at his house, so he'd been speaking with Tai. Told me that our friend and Sora had ended the relationship.

Relief.

That's the only thing I felt. Perhaps I had felt a wave of happiness. I literally thought I had a chance now.

This explained the leader's sudden silence. His behavior had changed within the past few weeks, but I had paid them no attention. If truth be told, I was enjoying his silence. More fuel. More energy for hate.

He was supplying me the fuel to hurt him.

Ironic.

Now all I had to do was convince Sora. But, I was just too weak. Bravery had never been my strong point. So I decided to step back and be myself. Yes, I know, wierd. However, I didn't want her to like me because she thought I was someone else.

I wanted her to know the monster that I was capable of becoming.

Mercurially, the days turned into seconds. Things felt so much quicker when my best friend and worse enemy is being torn to shreds by the one I thought highly of.

Sweet revenge.

Around Sora, I acted like I normally did. With all of my mood swings, she'd think I was bipolar. But I didn't care. I hope she didn't either. I said all of the same things I would've said when she wasn't around.

Insensitive.

Slightly abuse.

That's me.

Soon I began to suspect that I was hallucinating. I had caught her lovely eyes focused on me more than once. Could this be what I was hoping for? Was this the admiring stare she had fixated on Tai once before? Did she feel the same way I did?

Sora confirmed it for me.

It had been Christmas Eve. I was busy with the band, rehearsing for our upcoming concert. But, I wasn't engaged. This crazy idea sprouted in my mind. I thought about inviting Sora to the concert- all expenses paid. This will give her the chance to tell me how she feels or not. But, if she didn't feel the same way about me, I would need a backup plan. I couldn't let her on if she only liked me as a friend. So I decided to invite everyone else.

Even Tai.

The day of the concert I pretended that I was getting some last minute practice on my guitar, but in reality I was anxious of what was happening. Did Sora show up? It agonized me. I couldn't sit still. One of my friends and band member joked around about my twitching. At least that eased me a bit.

Faintly, I heard some voices outside the door. A female's. Maybe another male had accompanied her, because I heard a deeper voice. Oh, shit. What if this gives Sora and Tai the chance to get back together? What if that's him outside with Sora, begging for another chance?

Curiosity got the best of me. I sent Gabumon out there to investigate. He was only gone for a few minutes, but it was the longest minute or so of my life. I had to put my guitar down before I broke one of the strings. That's when she came in. Beautifully wrapped in winter attire so that she wouldn't get cold. And she was carrying her box... a present? A grin conquered her lips. It was meant for me. Shyly, she explained that she had baked me cookies.

Just for me.

Only for me.

My heart was reformed that second. I became a new person. The knowledge that Sora concealed the same feelings I did towards her made me want to beam crazily. I felt as though I could breathe underwater. But I restrained my grin, tried to be nonchalant like I always was. After I thanked the beauty, then I showed her to her seat. I saw a glimpse of Tai there, sitting, seeming depressed.

This was my day.

All of the pieces were coming together.

And some where falling apart.

But that wasn't my problem.

Though my heart was content, my fans were not. My band's concert was cut short by attacks. As every thing around us started to fall down on our heads, I found my way to Sora. I slipped my arm around her thin waist and covered her brilliant head with my own. That way she wouldn't be hurt. After it was over, I froze, kept her in my arms and enjoyed it until she whimpered. She had been scared. And so had I. But we were there for each other.

Another battle arose. But the original digi-destined weren't all that active. We only helped the juniors seek out other victims of the darkness. I became nervous when Tai and Sora were paired together to spy on a child. I only hoped that I still existed in her mind. I did silently prey that Tai had no control over my Sora.

For once in my life, I was right.

Now that I think about it, I can't believe that it took me two months for me to tell Sora how I felt. I was positive that she had feelings for me in December, but in I didn't express them until February. When I heard that my Sora had been kidnapped, the hatred emerged again. Or maybe it was just adrenaline. Either way, it provided me with the bravery I needed when the time came to distract the enemy by tap dancing.

It seemed so much like performing in front of a crowd of cheering fans. It empowered me. Before I realized it, I was declaring my love for Sora. And in front of everyone. I couldn't see their expressions or reactions because my eyes were solely for the one with the lovely brown eyes. I could see hints of sheer delight seep through the facade she tried to keep: blank. After the mortification, after we had succeeded in rescuing the captives, I offered to walk her home.

Silently, we sauntered down the darkened street that was only illuminated by the dull shine of the moon and stars above. Although we didn't speak much, I got the hint that she appreciated me for saving her. Softy, my hand held on to her arm. Slowly, I let my hand sink down until I met hers. She cupped my hand as I did hers.

Time ceased to exist.

I felt myself blushing.

Now, as I cup Sora's chin in my hand, and gaze at her features in detail, I can't believe she's mine. What have I done to deserve her love and affection? I might ask her one day. But for now I'm sated just by knowing someone does care for me. She knows she can bring out the negative things and the positive ones.

She chooses the positive ones.

Our audience is relatively quiet as Sora closes her eyes and rests her head on my chest once more. A faint smile washes her face, and her grip on me tightens. I'm so sure she can feel my heart beating. I'm so sure she can feel my blood pulsing through my vessels. I rest my chin on her head; softly kiss her sun kissed hair. My hands rest on her hips.

We don't move.

There are some mumbles around us. The students suddenly begin to move and squirm. Suddenly begin to live and breathe. The murmurs turn into actually words. It begins from the end of the group, the part farthest away from us. The one word travels quickly, and a name comes within earshot.

Someone's coming, and the crowd awoke only to make way for the new arrival.

Tai Kamiya.

Besides wanting Sora, the only other thing that I yearned for was to cause Tai pain. The way he caused me agony while he bragged about his dates with Sora, when he clearly knew that I cherished feelings for her. It was his fault the clouds above my head formed, and he knew it.

But nothing was done.

He didn't care.

Like some God parting the ocean, the crowd parted and made a pathway for the captain of the soccer team. He had plenty of admirers. After all, he was chocolate flavored. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Tai come into view. Now, he can see Sora and I in each other's arms. Pain twists his face, so agonizing and throbbing.

I find Sora's lips and kiss her softly, then more passionately. She doesn't argue, but gives into my presence and kisses me back. She holds my face in her hands and kisses me harder, with much more sensation.

Relief.

I've always wanted to stop the ache.

And I've always wanted to hurt you, Tai Kamiya.

Now it's your turn to feel the twinge I experienced.

/FIN/

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